When She Was Gone

By: Nouran El Ashry

Managing Arabic Editor 

I’ve heard many people talking about the loss of loved ones, recounting stories about how they felt and how shocking it was. Most of them had one thing in common, they couldn’t remember the details of the day of the loss.

To them, the details were hazy.

My experience was different. I can easily recall the details of the whole day. I can easily visualize every minute of it, as if it were happening right now all over again.

I was at my ALNG class and it was only when I checked my phone randomly a few minutes into class time that I saw that I had received a WhatsApp message which I couldn’t really understand.

“Pick up… Grandma…Pick up please”.

Four missed calls from my sister were on my phone screen. I saw the message, the missed calls and I ran out of the classroom to call my sister.

I was terribly worried. I thought that my grandma might have fallen sick again or might have gotten hospitalized but, it never crossed my mind that she would be gone.

I remember that I hung up the phone crying but with no physical tears. I started shivering and breathing heavily. I was crying from the inside way more than what was showing on my face.

I remember meeting the family and going through all the needed procedures while standing strong. I remember travelling to her hometown and meeting so many relatives that I did not care to recognize or talk to, and it was when everything was over that I started realizing what had actually happened.

The whole thing became a harsh reality when I entered her house for the first time without hearing her voice. When I expected to see her on her bed smiling with both happiness and pride that I am visiting her, but found an empty bed instead. When  I went to the kitchen to prepare tea, I kept counting the cups several times to figure out whom I missed until I found that her cup is the one missing.

To me, she was the comfort zone I would run to whenever I felt down. Her place was where I laughed the most and cried even more. It’s where I sang, played and became my true self.

I believe that every special occasion was directly related to her and her presence, but now, in her absence, I am left doing nothing but wondering how I will be capable of spending each and every occasion without her.

Everything seems strange now. Everything seems confusing and senseless. It feels as if something is missing, always.

Losing people, in general, is hard. Getting used to the fact that they are gone and suddenly looking at their empty spaces is cruel. But in most cases not related to death, there is always room for meeting again, a place to fix things and to see them again.

When it comes to death, you can never rely on that and you have to give up on any hopes of meeting your loved ones again.

It becomes your biggest wish that you seem them once upon a dream, and even that is sadly too rare.