Day 139: Lights in the Middle of the Tunnel

Day 139: August 12, 2020
Global Cases: 20, 797, 544; Deaths: 746 ,406
Egypt Cases: 95, 963; Deaths: 5, 085

Omar Hossam Auf
Economics Alum

I close my eyes and inhale the cold morning breeze. Yesterday was a good today. And now is a time for reflection, for when the present seems slow in motion, we tend to look back to the past or forward toward the future. 

I’ve done a lot of both during this pandemic, perhaps too much, or in the wrong manner. In the beginning, I put my hopes on a light at the end of the tunnel, so I simply looked forward to when this pandemic would end. The problem is that there’s no actual end in sight, no single light at the end of the tunnel. Life can’t return back to “normal” because the old normal is no more, whether in a daily medical sense, a socioeconomic and political sense, or especially in a personal sense.

I’ve changed a lot during the pandemic, and it has taught me a great many things. 

You see, I used to think that I’m invincible, turns out I’m just lucky. I used to think that I’m immune to depression, that nothing life can throw at me can break my spirit, but in reality life never hit hard enough to test it. The pandemic was a hard hit, especially in the first few months where I was looking back at an old blissful life that now feels stolen and undeserved, and I was expecting to see it again unchanged at the end of the tunnel. Once I understood that a new, unknown life was ahead the dread and weight of the wait were lifted.

For The Caravan’s Previous diary entries in Arabic and English, go to our COVID-19 Special Coverage

Not only because the pandemic will change things, but more so because I’m in a period of great changes in my life, as I just graduated from my undergraduate studies and have to figure out what I want to do. Obviously, the juxtaposition between such a period of changes and the stillness of quarantine life is quite harsh. I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do in the future, but I’m not bothered by the fact.

As an economics major interested in questions of development, I would have looked for internships and entry-level work on the ground with an NGO where I can both learn about the job and make a difference.

Now, I’m doing a remote internship that I’m very excited for even if it’s not related to development or economics. In this sense I’m lucky and I don’t feel like I’m falling behind. Though I wouldn’t have felt so anyway because it doesn’t really feel like I graduated, and I don’t know when it will. 

Maybe it will when I start working on the ground, sometime in the future, or when I physically go to university for my master’s. This pandemic made me realize just how deeply extroverted I actually am. Yet, I’m still rather socially awkward with people I don’t know, so I lean on my best friends from school for the fulfillment of the social experiences I wish to share.

One time when we were on a messenger call playing a card game we used to play in person, I laughed the deep, spontaneous laugh that is usually heard among the company of such friends. At that moment I realized that I hadn’t laughed like that in months, and the cherished emotional connection I had with these people was made all the more clear.

The value of many good things we had and took for granted was revealed by the pandemic, and with each one of those things we slowly regain, our march through the tunnel is rendered easier, and a warming, guiding light is lit not at the end of the tunnel to signal a destination we will not reach, but in the middle of the tunnel – showing us that we are not alone in our unrelenting march, but side by side with those who have gained an everlasting place in our hearts.

Which is why yesterday was a good day…

Yesterday I saw my friends, not for the first time since the beginning of the pandemic, but nowadays it sure feels like it every time we meet. Of course, there were no card games, mask and disinfectant were always at hand (or on face), and social distancing was still heeded. But it was a good day nonetheless. I talked for hours until my throat was sore, and shared a great many genuine laughs that had been missing just a few months back. 

Now that we’ve looked back to the past, time to look forward. The day is still young. I’m not going to see my friends today, nor will I skateboard or do any other notable activity. Yet, I don’t feel dread, but hope. I’m looking forward to the day because I know this isn’t the end of the road, but the road need not be difficult if it can be helped.

With lights in the middle of the tunnel, I will simply live. I will try to learn, to strive, and to hope, not looking for a phantom end that only exists in our most uncreative imaginations, but rather cherishing the things I have, and the things I’ve gained throughout.