Day 106: Swimming in Circles

Day 106: July 10, 2020
Global Cases: 12, 616, 578; Deaths: 562, 069
Egypt Cases:  80, 235; Deaths: 3, 702

Aya Hammad
Multimedia Journalism Junior 

7:30am: It’s time when my natural body alarm works and awakens my brain. My brain is numb and lost. I can hear the sound of my heart beating really fast – it’s a tachycardia condition. I can also feel my sweat dripping through the skin of my abdomen.

First thoughts that pop into my head is what am I still doing here? When is this going to end? And where am I going to end up like this?

I hear the loud sound of the AC working, wondering how did I sleep when it’s this loud? Only then, do I remember that’s the effect of my sleeping pills, insomnia is like my buddy for life.

8am: I can’t wake up to the same people every day and I can’t live in one place for too long. I always get a feeling of suffocation when this happens, I don’t like feeling trapped somewhere or around someone. It’s a huge problem. I know.

Everyone around me is being quarantined to protect their physical health and are ignoring their mental health. How can you do that?

At least I know I can’t do that. Getting out of bed for the first couple of days in quarantine was the hardest thing I’d do for the day. I don’t even want to start my long, never-ending day. For people with depression, it’s hard to stay home for a long period of time. It’s toxic for the brain to let it think for some time with no interruption of thoughts.

I live with my friends; my parents live abroad. I’m responsible for my own well-being.

Everyday feels like I’m swimming in the same circle, everything looks the same, nothing’s different, same faces, same summer courses and students, just different topics.

I hate feeling ordinary. Unique is what I need in my life, I can’t continue like this for long.

8:15am: As I get out of bed, I look through the glass window in my room into the pool in the compound I live in and admire it. Swimming in a pool or the beach is a sign of freedom for me. I just feel free in water and in front of the ultra-violet rays that give me tan lines I’ll remember forever.

Depression and mental health for me has always been a part of my life. I sometimes lose it, but then I get back ten times stronger. I tend to do activities like swimming in the pool and tanning every day to avoid clashing with my thoughts. Swimming soothes my mind and is a form of earthing.

I can’t stay around people for too long, in psychology, this is known as social anxiety. But to me, I just get annoyed when I spend too much time around people whom I don’t benefit from. I need a break from people, whether it’s family or friends. I don’t get anxious; I just want my space most of the time.

My day isn’t the best day for a person who suffers from mental illness, but I do what I must do to feel better about myself and my past experience with people and in life.

I like to nap after staying in the sun for too long, my nap takes two hours, it’s more of a quick-sleep for the day but I still classify it as a nap.

15:03: As I wake up from my nap. I remember that I forgot my cup of coffee for the day. I usually drink my coffee after taking my antidepressant and anxiolytic drugs. It makes my brain ready for the rest of the day.

I woke up relaxed after my so-called nap.

For The Caravan‘s previous diary entries in Arabic and English go to our COVID-19 Special Coverage page.

I love listening to my favorite rapper Mac Miller and vibe with his music. I can relate to most of his music and lyrics. Unfortunately, he passed away last year. Drug overdose and depression.

To me, relating to others is a huge part of my personality, I like watching videos of people’s experiences, good or bad, finding out that the bad has a bigger effect on me compared to the good stories.

Then, my brain starts remembering why I’m so against the world and ‘bad’ people. I start getting strong feelings toward unusual stuff, I go back to the same point I was at from the beginning of the day, I’m swimming in the same circle.

Once this happens, I get up, get dressed and go for a run, I need to help myself during quarantine, I need to stop swimming in circles.