Day 94: It’s Okay to Feel What You’re Feeling

Day 94: June 28, 2020
Global Cases: 10, 238, 287; Deaths: 504, 078
Egypt Cases: 65, 188 Deaths: 2, 789

Farida Abdelmaksoud
Communication and Media Arts Junior

What day is it today?

It’s a question I keep asking myself, regardless of how little it matters anyway. Lately, my overall lifestyle feels like a slap on the face, an inescapable reality. Facing the fact that we must deal with things that we desperately avoid is where reality strikes.

I wake up, have breakfast with my freshly brewed coffee of course, and contemplate which methods I’ll be using today to pass time: A movie, a book, maybe just scroll through my social media apps? It’s a very hard choice that ends up being a mixture of them all. Then again, I find myself in an endless repetitive cycle, just like a hamster on its spinning wheel.

I go back to my comfort zone, my safe space, and where I belong – to my bed.

Opening the curtains and allowing some of the sunshine to radiate some light into my soul for the day, I sit and just stare out into the bright blue skies. Again, I can’t help but feel how heavy the weight of this pandemic is on my very fragile chest. Like many others, I feel like I definitely changed throughout the entire isolation period, in different ways, too. I’m processing things differently now, I’m thinking differently, and I’m definitely feeling emotions differently especially these days.

I currently feel like I have a piled-up mountain of emotions on my shoulders. After being optimistic, trying new things, cooking and baking, watching movies, the harsh reality demands that its presence to be recognized. Hiding from our fears and lingering emotions is not something we’re capable of doing for much longer, but I guess that’s okay.

Sitting in a room with my mind to keep me company, I come to realize how important it is to be able to confront myself and communicate with my inner self. I sit with myself more often now, think things thoroughly, allow myself to feel things I’d usually avoid. Despite how uncomfortable that process tends to be, calming it is to rest assured that there’s nothing but honesty between me and myself.

For The Caravan‘s previous diary entries in Arabic and English go to our COVID-19 Special Coverage page.

I don’t believe I’m being pessimistic lately, in fact, I find it quite normal to feel heavy on some days like today. I refrain from avoiding the emotions I’m feeling, and instead, I sit, think, maybe listen to music too, and resolve all inner conflicts arguing inside.

At night I’m able to spend my time watching Top Chef, reading my book, and right before I go to sleep I enjoy listening to some music. I’m not one for routines, but for now, I do these little things that help me get through every day and peacefully pass the time while being thankful for my health and my family’s too.

The advice I give myself and that I’d give you too, is to allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. It may seem like an emotional rollercoaster and it’s a ride that you can’t seem to control or get off of, but that’s okay.

How comforting it is to know that nothing lasts forever and there’s always time and space for change. We don’t always get to be in control; validate your feelings through it all and allow yourself to cope slowly but steadily.