Day 86: A Few Weeks Ago, I Wished for Boredom

Day 86: June 20, 2020
Global Cases: 8, 908, 555; Deaths: 466, 266
Egypt Cases: 53, 758; Deaths: 2,106

Mahmoud El Hakim
English and Comparative Literature Senior

I wake up at 11am. Yesterday it was 11:30, the day before, 12.

Progress.

I try to force myself awake, knowing that I haven’t had a full night’s sleep and that drifting back into sleep would be all too easy.  I check my email for the daily newsletter and browse through some of my messages. There’s not much left there since I deleted Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. It’s temporary, I remind myself.

I get up, greet my family, and have breakfast. Then I have some time to read. Lunch comes next. Some time in our garden. Then some exercise. Then family time again. Then bed. Repeat.

Routine is a coping mechanism; it moves the mundane along. Routine means repetition, and repetition preordains the coming of the next day.

Just a few weeks ago, I wished for boredom. When social distancing began, some people were vocally bored out of their minds. Some were able to do something with that time, finding new projects to busy themselves with, while others just whiled away their time hoping for an end. 

I felt left out. I was overworked with the semester, frantically running to finish everything I had to do from day to day, barely fitting meals in my free time. Boredom was a privilege I could not access.

The stress of university had a different function I was not fully aware of.

It was a distraction.

Every time my COVID-anxiety rose to speak, it was hushed by a deadline that occupied my mind and disallowed me to process the cacophony of fears that saturated the world.

Now there are no deadlines to bury my fears, no lectures to cover the unyielding noise.

Obituaries fill our timelines, as do anger and confusion, as do ignorance and indifference, as do piles and piles of misinformation. 

Through it all there are lines of intolerance against all the other different groups and opinions. Some play the blame game, others smugly smile with blissful nonchalance. 

People are shamed for their different ways of coping with the fear. Xenophobia manages to replace the fear and create conspiracy theories. The pandemic is used as an excuse for classism. 

Atrocious acts of racism fill the news. The movements in response are vilified.

It is all too loud.

Delete, look away, shut your eyes, and cover your ears.

If a tree falls in a forest and you cannot hear it, do you need to worry about it?

For The Caravan‘s previous diary entries in Arabic and English go to our COVID-19 Special Coverage page.

Pleading ignorance is not the answer.

As I temporarily delete some of my social media apps, I remind myself to not give in to blissful indifference. I remind myself to stay informed. I try to do my part, accepting half-heartedly that I cannot also do the parts of others.

Still, I must cope.

I fill the loud emptiness with routine, hoping to find respite in the repetition, as one is comforted by the stubborn sunrise of each day.

Tomorrow I will try to wake up earlier.